Sunday, 27 January 2013

My guide to...

the social niceties of life...
or how not to be thought a dork.

1.  Never ever say serviette -
napkin... don't you know.

2.   Always say lavatory,
never, toilet, loo - maybe, bog - no,
carsey - never.

3.  Lounge - forever marks you down as 
working class.
Whereas - Drawing Room shouts middle-class
(with aspirations) 

4.  Never eat your peas off a knife, or lick it; although...
I have seen Mathew Fort lick his on
Great British Menu...
so perhaps that means it's okay?
And I bet Boris does! 

5.  While we're (well, me actually) on the subject...
for goodness sake learn to wield your eating irons in the British way.

6.  Never eat junk food or ready meals...
and before you crack on about how dear food is...
ever heard of pulses...
cheap AND nutritious?

7.  Please pronounce schedule
as shed-dule never sked-dule...
do you forever want to be thought American?

8.  Never swear...
'Sod it!' is as far, in polite conversation you can go.
(Note to self... must remember this!)

9.   To be thought real 'top-drawer' always use a tea-pot,
never a 'brew in a mug'.

10.  When taking tea at the Connaught, never stir the tea in the pot...
let it gently infuse.

11.  Fish knives and forks are old hat...
you heard it first here folks!

12.  Always serve Vinaigrette, never say, nor yet serve
'Mayo'.  Salad Cream is beyond the pale.

13.  Leave barbequeing to men who wear orange singlets.

14.  Whatever you do, don't serve the cheese course
before the sweet...
it's pretentious,
 and folks might...
 perish the thought, think...
 you're pro EU.

15.  Never give house-room to a tray with a
bag of beads clapped on its back...
Your bum will be forever welded to the sofa
if you do.

16.  Only ever kiss on one cheek,
kissing on both cheeks leave to the French.

17.  Don't listen to a word I say.

The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself.




  1. You had me roaring with laughter at this post. Number thirteen was my favourite!

    1. Had to look back to see what I'd put! I fire off these posts, flop back, then think 'Crumbs, why did I say that?' Common sense then clicks in and I think 'Stuff 'em, it's coming from the heart!'

      Glad I've exercised your chuckle muscles mm, best go and lie down.


  2. Trouble is Linda, you mean every word!
    I call my drawing room a sitting room - it's where we withdraw to sit, so could be both. I hate 'lounge'.
    'Bollocks' is about as sweary as I get, or 'bum'!
    See you soon. x

    1. Trouble is Deborah, you know me too well!


  3. Of course, some upper class people say non-u words ironically, or perhaps in memory of dear Nanny.
    I think it's the lower middle classes that say lounge - it's "front room" for the working classes, because we live in terrace (NEVER terraced!) cottages, with only a front and back room. My sister-in-law cleverly says "The green room". How posh is that? And what about lav and WC - where do they fit?
    You shouldn't have got me started - I'm obsessed with snobbery!

    1. You and me both kid... I hate it with a passion.

      Let's get together and write the difinitive guide. I'll tell you now, it won't sell around here!


  4. You always make me smile Linda! x

    1. Glad I do Jayne, and thank you for always commenting. Comments although I'd hate to admit it, (so I won't!) do help to make you feel it's worthwhile carrying on.