Sunday, 16 June 2013

The tale of the matronly bosom and the flower...

Picture the scene...
Wicked Stepmother was happily 
ensconced in a large leather winged back chair,
cheek by jowl with Wicked Stepdaughter.
Content we were,
sitting in a pub.
Pint for WSD,
wussy ½ pint shandy for WSM.
A trawl of the charity shops,
a visit to Kitsch and Stitch,
a chance for the girls to bond over
a little light retail therapy.
All rounded off with a pub lunch before we
tottered back to the village fete.
Ted was on point-duty in the car park,
flask of coffee and pork pie in pocket.

Deep in conversation over a sandwich,
completely oblivious of all around, we sat
talking the talk of girls...
froth, fro fro and the state of the world.
(last bit's a fib!)

Looking up two women had hoved into view...
'I thought I ought to apologise for me
looking at your chest!'

I looked at her with jaw dropped,
I looked at my chest with lips pursed.
Through my mind flitted the thought,
over the years this mantelpiece of my 
anatomy has caused me many a scrape.
As I've got older the only scrape it gets me into
is the pavement if I don't wear a bra.

Head in hands I thought...
'Now what?'

'Since you came in I've been admiring your

'Phew!' I wiped my brow.
'Is it made by Julie Arkell?'
'No, it isn't, guess who?'

'Viv of hensteeth?


A long conversation with Nel ensued,
 we enthused about what
a wonderfully talented artist Viv is.
The upshot was, at the Eridge Fair she had asked Viv
if she would do a workshop in
Tunbridge Wells.
'I'll come!'  says I.
Nel said a friend had already 
phoned to say had she organised 
a hensteeth workshop yet?

So Viv if you're reading this...
it's over to you.


  1. Well....I wasn't expecting this post to end like that! Rightyho :) You are an absolute sweetheart with a beautiful heart in that chest of yours x

    1. I wouldn't go that far Viv! It would be superb if you could come down to TW for a special SE workshop. Speak soon.


  2. Me neither Viv/Linda, to have such a happy ending! How I wished I lived near Tunbridge Wells. Think what larks!!!!! I do look forward to your posts Linda x

    1. 'What larks!' sums up my life Jayne. A comedian would give their eye-teeth for an audience of Jaynes. Thank you. Yes, I do seem to totter from one crazy caper to the other... sort of says a lot about me s'pose?


  3. What a lovely vintage patchwork corsage!
    And the knitting pattern is amazing, not least because I never knew Agatha Christie did modelling on the side until now.

    1. That made me laugh Nilly... my bosom resembles a barrage balloon more and more each day!


  4. The curse of large bosoms! My mother was over-endowed in the bosom region. I vowed that I would NOT be burdened in the same way. Youthful ignorance. Time and Mother Nature are cruel.

  5. Elaine, As I said to my heart throb (Alan Bennett) only the other day... 'Big breasts are as much a handicap as Ossie's todger.

    In his book Untold Stories, AB seemed to imply large breasted ladies grew them for badness. I felt I had to put the record straight.


    fib alert... It wasn't 'only the other day.' It was 2007, by way of, only the second fan letter I've ever written.