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Friday 20 September 2013

Those of a delicate...

disposition best look away 
NOW!

Just recently I have been taking an elderly
neighbour to hospital to have a monthly
 eye injection.

I escort him to the clinic, then I'm at 'large'
in the hospital, content to while away an hour or two,
having a coffee, reading my book and generally
watching the world go by.

My first port of call usually is the restaurant,
where I am sometimes tempted to have
a cheese scone with my mug of tea.

This time my itinerary varied;
thank goodness it did,
 is all I've got to say.

The loo in the hospital had a mirror on the door...
'Who's the fat friend that has sneaked
into the lavatory with you today Linda?'

'Bloody hell it's ME!'

As I adjusted my dress, I couldn't take my eyes off
just how things have got out of hand.
You, I'm sure have heard of metal fatigue,
have you heard of brassiere and knicker fatigue?
I staggered out, walked up to the counter and had a full blown
conversation in my head about the merits of cheese scones.
I looked at the time...
 9.25am and said to myself... 

'If you're at home do you have anything to eat during the morning?'

'Of course I don't, you daft tart, what sort of conversation is this?'

I chose a mug of tea and went and sat down.

The book had lost its appeal as my mind kept turning over...

'How the flying figrolls has this been allowed to happen?'

I wandered out of the cafe, my consolate had never felt more
dis.

My usual sitting in the foyer had somehow lost its appeal...

'How have they got themselves into that state?' smugly
used to flit through my mind.

NOT ANY FRIGGING MORE!

I slunk out of the main entrance,
limbo dancing on the linoleum, in the hope 
me being low to the ground, nobody would see me. 

I marched around the hospital perimeter,
grump in every step, overlaid with a sprinkle
of self-pity.

By the time I wandered back, my lovely man
was ready for our trip home.

We had talked at great length about
his wife not wanting to take any more pain killers
for the cancer that was slowly eating its way
through her body.

'I'll come in and sort her out!'

As you might of guessed, I do tend to call
a spade a ruddy great shovel.
And she always says I'm a tonic.
They are both from the North East
and they get my straight-talking...
(luckily!)

In I swept, as only a Challenger tank can.

Alright this isn't probably a Challenger tank!
I just wanted you to get the feel of my MO!

And challenge her I did.

We had a good laugh and joke and 
the main thrust of my 'gentle'
attack hit the target.

As I drove away,
my thoughts turned to how thin she was,
and what a spoilt self-indulgent lump I am.







12 comments:

  1. Those flying figrolls have a lot to answer for...we have them in our house too. xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If podge is all I've got to worry about Ethel, I'm one hell of a lucky lady.

      LLX

      Delete
  2. D'you know what you are?
    A great big benign, benevolent, beautiful busy-body!
    It SHOULD be a paid profession, I think.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Less of the 'great big' if you please Nilly.

      My lovely neighbours; they are not old in the conventional way, are the soul reason I stayed in this snooty village.

      'Don't keep going on about me not taking payment for the trip, you're beginning to bore me!' Is a constant refrain, so... when they phoned later to offer Bramleys. I graciously accepted, me gracious, never. In the course of the conversation M told me that after I'd gone, they laughed fit to bust, at me hamming it up giving a demo of Ted doing his tai chi in the garden, and me trying to peep without him seeing.

      During the chat, I said 'You know I really love you two!' I honestly believe in life you should tell folk your feelings.

      LLX

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  3. Replies
    1. Personally I lay the blame squarely on that blooming Fasting diet. We were on it from last August until just recently. Me being me, carefully followed the diet on the two days, then troughed the other five.

      LLX

      Delete
  4. Get walking girl! A couple of regular long walks each week will get your blood pumping and help you to shed a few pounds. There may be walking groups in your area. But perhaps your "lovely man" could join you? ...For evening meals may I suggest two sticks of celery and a Ryvita followed by an apple? Spring water should become your favourite tipple.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Get walking girl! A couple of regular long walks each week will get your blood pumping and help you to shed a few pounds. There may be walking groups in your area. But perhaps your "lovely man" could join you? ...For evening meals may I suggest two sticks of celery and a Ryvita followed by an apple? Spring water should become your favourite tipple.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Mr YP, I love long walks and am always envious of your perambulations. The trouble is, we can't go anywhere together these days because of the lovely Lettice. She is a much loved member of the family and we can't leave her. My only worry now is, by the time we haven't got her, we'll be too knackered to want to venture out.

    Rambling groups give me the hebegebees, main reason, they're full of old duffers who wear those spat-type of coverings over their walking boots, carry those long poles, and have maps in see-through cases clapped permanently to their chests. They also sport carrier bag feet when in pubs, where they supplement their Hovis and dripping sarnies with half of shandy. Apart from that I think you may be onto something.

    LLX

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You'd look arousing with a see through case clapped permanently on your chest! You could also carry your walking map in a dangly plastic folder!

      Delete
  7. Dear dear LL, if all you needed to lose a blob or two of wobble was to cheer people up, have them wetting their fatigued knickers and generally being a nosey, caring wonderful person then you surely should be like a lathe. I so wish you lived next door to me, you would soon become my reason to get out the door every morning just to hear your wonderfully politically incorrect ramblings. You are tonic in a blog, I am just so sorry it doesnt quite work like that!XX

    ReplyDelete
  8. Thank you for your kind words. I think I'm probably better in print than I am in person... you can have too much of a good thing. I do get some funny looks as I hobnail boot through life.... but hey-ho life's too blooming short, so give it some welly, has always been my motto.

    LLX

    ReplyDelete