Sunday, 18 August 2013

In the darkest corner of my mind...

I feel...
that life is passing me by.

It's years since I've been invited to feature on 
Hello magazine...
so many years, it's almost like it never happened...


I wouldn't mind, but in readiness, I set the char to
triple clean the house,
phoned my old mate Zandra to
loan me a couple of her frocks.
Ted went especially to B & Q to buy industrial
packs of Polyfilla.
My slimming machine was dug out of
 the far reaches of the attic.

My buttocks wobbled to the strains of...
'I will always love you',
as I peered into the mirror.

Do you know something, the anticipated
call never came.


I felt at the very least they would want my take on...
the Jennifer Aniston interview.
Fergie (not the footballing one) staying in the main house.
The latest fitness, as opposed to thinness craze.
 In the ES magazine, the latest party photo's 
where the brightest and the best
stand one hip and leg thrust forward,
with puckered up, glistening rosebud lips,
 resembling the bum from whence the fat came.
The shock horror of today's Sunday Times Drive
magazine not featuring one
yes, you read it right, not
photo of Jeremy Clarkson.

The world as we know it is
surely coming to and end.

And as for fracking...
(between you and me, I thought that was what two consenting
adults did on a Sunday afternoon, after
the roast Beef and Yorkshire pud)
if only they'd phoned, I'd have given them a 
few column inches of my thoughts.

Why do all protesters...
Well, not put too fine a point on it...
look frankly...


Vegan, to a man I would imagine.
That's probably why they look so pasty
and thin.

Have you noticed, the men all seem to play the penny whistle
and the women, you can well
imagine fashion hemp flour sacks
into sanitary towels.

I blame it on the nut milk,
it's made them all nutty as a fruit cake.

Not at all, like it was in my day,
it was all flowers in your hairs,
free love and ideals.

Alright I know the ideal
was evaporated milk...
no worries,
it beat almond milk any day.


  1. I feel a bit out of step with the times too, but I rant because today's young people don't protest enough.
    Apathy and iphones rule! New technology is the opium of the young people! Where did The Revolution go?

    1. It's our age darling girl.

      From the comfort of your iphone you can revolt... without actually knowing what you're revolting about and at the same time being mindful of your carbon Dr Marten boot-print.

      Up the old style revolution I say.


  2. I am wholeheartedly in (pasty, vegan) favour of a massive experiment in "fracking" - underneath the Palace of Westminster and the House of Lards, where nought will come to harm if the process be not suited to this green and pleasant, hitherto unfracked land. If that initial experiment is successful (or even if it results in the complete collapse of government into a vast sink-hole) I propose that the second vast experiment then be conducted under the "The City", where again, only good could come of it... Let's face it, there's bound to be plenty of natural gas beneath both.

    ;-) and other emoticons. E&EO excepted. Use of emoticons does imply emotion. All opinions are those of my publicist. Live long and proper (sic) (gives hand-gesture of the Vulcans) (The species, not the aeroplanes).

    1. Darling boy, I wish you would comment in Mandarin Chinese... but wait... even though I have stayed at The Grand in Taipei, I still wouldn't understand a word.

      Nudge, nudge, wink, wink!