Tuesday, 27 August 2013

If I had net curtains I'd...

twitch them.

Call me a nosy neighbour I don't care!

A flavour of my day here in darkest Kent.

Living on the top of a hill, I look down on  people.

The day always starts by my looking out of my cyber-eyrie window,
to see if my  neighbour's kitchen window is open 
and there is washing on the line.

The reason for this is, these kind folks were the
ones who stopped me from taking flight when I moved
to the snobbiest village in Kent,
ten years ago next month.

They are the lovielest neighbours you could ever
wish for.  From the North East with humour to match.
I love them both with a passion.
They are both elderly (who isn't!)
and in failing health.

My reason for night and morning looking out
is to see if they are up and about.

With drawers flapping in the breeze (theirs)
I can relax.

I have informed them of my 
busy-body qualities.

Oh, how hard I try to limit my phone calls
to once a week.


Jumping in my Smart I roar off to 'work'
Tuesdays are my days in the shop.

Today, not really a good day,
because I just wasn't in the 
'Can I help you modom?' mode.

Mrs Slocombe... yes.

In a past life as a buyer for a wholefood co-operative
in York, it was well known for me to
stand on a box in the bakery and say

'I'm bored!'

As a shop volunteer
 you are expected to dust.


said in my very best 
Lady Bracknell voice.

'I don't even dust at home!'

I love the people side of the volunteering
work I do.

Things I've said to folk today...

One customer in a wheelchair said 

'Don't worry I won't be doing a runner!'

To which I replied

'How fast is that machine?'

'4 mph!'

'As fat as I am, I'd easily
catch you at that speed, so
just don't even think about it!'

Another gentleman asked if we had

'Of Scotney?'

'No of all the N.T. properties.'
he gruffly replied.

I took him over to where the maps were

'Is this what you were looking for?'

'How much?'

'They're free!'

Opening it up he very crossly said

'Not as good as the last one I bought!'

My matronly bosom rose as I couldn't
resist the reposte...

'Never look a gift horse in the mouth!'

His mouth opened and closed,
his wife laughed and like many men 
who've crossed my path before
 probably thought...

'She's a handful!'

Smiling I left them to it.

Standing behind the till, I looked up into the
face of a very tall
woman. At first sight it was obvious
smiles hadn't featured much in the life.
Beaming brightly I returned her
pugnacious stare.

'We haven't got a bag large enough, can you manage like that,
 or would you like a carrier bag for five pence?'


Smiling ever more sweetly I managed to find a recycled
coffin-sized plastic bag and carefully placed them in there.
Wordless she stalked off.

'Thank you!'
I said as she departed.

After a chat with two ladies of a smilar vintage
to me, one of them said

'Do you have a Visitors Book, everyone here has
been so friendly!'

'No I'm afraid we don't, although you are very welcome
to fill in a comment form and don't forget to let me
have your address for me to send you the tenner!'

*'My name is Linda, shall I spell that for you...

L I N D A!' *

Walking back to my car I spied a group
having an afternoon picnic in the shade of 
the walled garden.

'You've picked a lovely shady spot there!
I said

'You going to come and join us?'

'How about coming and sitting with
me on the rug?'

'What a cheek!'
 one of the ladies said, it's not even his blooming rug. 

Another said...

'Once he got down there, he'd never get up!'

'Don't worry, he wouldn't be able to afford my prices!'

I said as I walked away, with
their laughter ringing in my ears.

Just a taster of how not to be a volunteer.

* That last sentence re. my name was a whopper!*  All the rest is true.


  1. At the end of my very dull day scoring tests for candidates wishing to become teachers, it was a delight to hear about yours.

    1. Marty, Let's hope your candidates when they become teachers, don't get a class full of LL's. That's where I went wrong; all my life I've mucked about, too busy having fun to study. And it's only now that I'm sorry for the wasted opportunity: serve her right some might say!


  2. LL, sounds like a day filled with laughs. Some days we need our sense of humour to get us through. I enjoyed reading this (this morning before work) too. :)

    1. The thing is Carol when the need arises I can be calm and very, very sensible... hard to imagine I know.

      Hope your week is going well?


  3. That's what we should all do, keep an eye out. I keep an eye on my 90 year old in the house next door, who insists on crossing the road at the speed of marmalade running down the side of the jar, every day outside of his house instead of using the crossing up the road. May I suggest you acquire a pair of binoculars like myself, they have come in very handy at times, God knows what the police thought of me when they've been involved, but I just imagine the look on a lawyers face when he asks sarcastically 'So you're telling the court that you read the registration of the car from your window 70 feet away at night!' Fantastic photos, strangely recently I'd told my man if we ever get invited to a fancy dress again I'd go as Mrs Slocombe and my friend has a stuffed pussy...

    1. Will someone look out for us I wonder? Trouble with me is, at this rate... it'll need to be the week after next.

      Love the idea of going to a fancy dress party as Mrs Slocombe. My grey hair will be easy to spray with car touch-up paint... pussy beware!


  4. I do love your posts, they make me smile and I enjoy reading the comments too. Some people go through life just being confrontational but not in a good way, in a negative way - I always think it is a shame to be on high alert for a fight every minute of the day. I find generally most people are happy to chat and have a laugh with you- thank goodness. I laughed at the woolly dog comment!! I often put myself in that position when the judge asks you "so you took the photograph of the two red headed teenage boys without their permission" - needless to say I didn't take that photograph!! Life is so funny - I love it!

    1. I'm with you on this Jayne, always look on the bright side. Laugh and the world laughs with you... is so true.


  5. You are lovely - but a bit scary, aren't you? Dare we sit by the village duckpond again with our sarnies - or would you spy us & push us in...

    1. The funny thing is Nilly, everytime I go up to the village I ALWAYS look for you. Don't tell anyone... it's an act, although you've probably guessed that!