Wednesday, 27 March 2013

Ride of the Valkyries Cook Book...

With Cumberland sausages clapped on my heaving breasts
tied with strings of Garlic and Eddoe bangers
I prepare;  looking for all the world like Madonna 

in her little John Paul Gaultier
ice cream cone brasserie
(more of her ilk later)

I climb onto my horse, those of you who know of my previous with horses
will appreciate my favoured means of transport on this occasion is...
a clothes horse, purely for reasons of health and safety you understand.

Into battle...
'What's got your dander up this time LL?'
These bloody celeb cook books that's what!

Not content with us being bombarded with images of their
French bean bodies poured into figure-hugging penne pasta, they call frocks.
We now have the troughing bible according to
Miss Size Zero Super Star.

Just to whet your appetite
'Nutritionally dense foods'
What the f**k's that?
'Our weekly 80% parameters are:
no wheat, no cow's milk,
no processed white stuff,
etc., etc.,'
Thin on the fun?
The 20% fun...
Coconut water and kale chips.

'When I'm out in the "normal world" I don't stop my kids from enjoying
cake at birthday parties, ice cream on holidays and sweets on play dates'

I just rush them home and put a tube up their bottoms and flush out all the badness.
That bit is me... Sorry... A cheap jibe, I know.

The thing that worries me is...
does anyone really take all this seriously?
Got a horrible feeling they do.
And the cost!

All these culinary tips of wonder coming from
folk that think nothing of having fat from their arse 
injected into their faces.  Not forgetting the 
regular riddance of lines with poison!

In a past life I was a cook and have had the task of getting to grips
with all these weird, wonderful
 and wacky eating regimes.

You ever tried making an egg white omelette 
it's bloody hard I don't mind admitting.

Spare us please!


  1. perhaps the idea of it all is that its NOT tasty?
    Like pennance for all the other things they have in life in such abundance (except simple grounding...)living a continually Lenten life?

    1. Lenten life... ooh do you even think they go there? My take on it is... they're too busy praying at the alter of self.


  2. Must rush. Can't stop. I'm on the "grilled water" diet and combining it with the nude-shimmy/roof-scaling exercise regime. All of the celeberities who survive it tell their agents to recommend it.

    1. Any chance you could re-point my chimney?


  3. I cannot stand Thin Lizzies lecturing me about food of any kind - I just can't get rid of the image in my mind of them with their fingers down their throats after the smallest snack.
    (Not too keen on her blokes's music either.)

    1. Nilly, you know such a lot of things, a well-read lass I can tell.

      I'm looking forward to my 'nutritionally dense' Easter egg. No fingers will darken the back of my throat.