Thursday, 7 March 2013

As I sat waiting for the first layer...

to dry, I got to thinking.
(I seem to do a lot of... got to thinking these days)
Primer... Astral (Joanna Lumley swears by it)
Undercoat... Concealer
Topcoat... Dr. Hauschka...
 made of herbs gathered by a thousand virgins,
as dawn breaks... foundation cream.
Decrepit has many faces.
And I ought to say I'm happy with mine...
Well that is when I survey the artistry of my 
belt and braces beauty regime.

When suitably armoured I venture forth,
happy to meet the world, although...
I do try not to laugh when abroad
(abroad... as in out)
The reason... my dessicated skin sucks the life out 
of the many and various lotions and portions; causing me to leave a 
trail in my wake, not dissimilar to a severe case of dandruff man in wind tunnel.
Smiling aids and abets the process, so I don't.

Today I'm off to my lip-reading class, not a barrel of laughs,
so no problem there.  Although by the very nature of lip reading
fellow pupils have to look uncomfortably close at your visog...
lips especially.  Layers of lippy and gloss are applied, making the most of the only thin thing of my entire body. There's no justice in the world as I battle the podge;
all the while, my lips stay thin and mean looking.
Enough to make you want to suck a lemon.


  1. I thought that I had thunked once, but it was just static electricity sparking between the hairs in my ears.

    I like being a bloke. I have a face like a baked cabbage but neither I nor anyone else cares. Give it another twenty years and the fashion and cosmetics industry will have blokes spending fortunes on snake oil and lotions too.

    Were you as disappointed as I as a child with "vanishing cream"?

    1. Just whatever you do don't twiddle them, you may morph into Johnny Depp and all the dogs of Lincs will follow you down the street. At least with the face God gave you, only the orangutans will show a passing interest.

      I don't know about 'give it another twenty years' blokes already elbow me out of the way to get to the Mac (cosmetics dear boy, not the flashing sort) counter at Fenwicks.

      Yes I was, together with the huge disappointment of Wine Gums.


  2. I'm with you there as my lips are also the thinnest part of my entire body. What a hoot you are! Cheered me up no end, thank you.

    I rarely venture abroad without my makeup and truly believe that the world is not yet ready for my face without it. But I've always slapped on the moisturiser even if staying in. And the eyeliner even in a rush when going out.

    Btw I absolutely adore the pic of your Mum & Dad in the sidebar. How stylish!

    1. The best thing to come out of my Highland bloke, was him telling me that a woman of his acquaintence said always moisturize you neck, it's the quckest way to tell a woman's age. Problem now is I've got the neck of a nineteen year old together with the body of a ninety year old.

      Thank you, they do look lovely; married soon after the war, hence the understated wedding gear.


  3. Age is a real fucker when looks are concerned.... I was told last week that I looked like my dad

    1. Oooh John, that's not good. Better that, than you look like the dog.


  4. Never mind sucking lemons - the greatest compliment Mr N pays these days is, "...looks like a bulldog chewing a wasp!"

    1. What a great quote. Ted's quote from the police is BOB FOC... translation...
      Body off Baywatch, Face off Crimewatch.