Ten things I'm going to do...

when I win the lottery.

1.    Remember where I put the ticket.

2.    I am going to employ a full-time (like every day of the week) permanent plucker.

Why?  Because each and every morning... 

my moustache and goatee have sprouted in the night. 

3.    I'm commissioning Grayson Perry to make me pots, muriels and frocks.

4.    My court jester and muse will be the irascible and curmudgeonly...

Alan Bennett.

5.    His 'son' (well, in my book he could so easily be!)

Nigel Slater will be my cook.

I will try with every fibre of my being, not to keep changing the 

numbers expected for dinner.

This has happened too many times to me in the past,

to think it is even vaguely acceptable!

6.    Victoria Beckham I will employ to design each season's

collection for my stick insects.

7.    I will also have a trainer who will stand in for me each morning

to do my physical jerks.

After they have changed and showered,

 I will expect them to serve me a full English breakfast

8.    I will take great delight in getting full publicity,

only so my lovely pal Viv 

can turn all the begging letters into magical 

works of art.  See her work if you don't believe me!

9.    Give, give, give, without worrying about whether it's tax deductible.

10.    Sign up for a crash course in modesty and decorum.

***

Excuse me while I delve ever deeper 

into the back of the sofa to find a quid for a ticket.

I wouldn't mind, but it's all a load of balls.