Sunday, 28 July 2013


Last August, Ted and I watched
a very interesting Horizon programme.
The doctor Michael Mosley
was expounding the virtues on the body
to following a two day fast.

Sitting on the sofa like Tweedle Dee
and Tweedle Dum.
We looked at each other and decided there and then
 from that day on, that is exactly what we would do.

Pretty much for a year we have followed it.
Pretty much?
Let me explain...
Over the course of the year,
it caught on.
We founder members felt smug when
folk started talking about it.
'Oh yes, well we've been on it since last 
Ted was doing it more for the health
reasons, his last two blood tests have 
proved it's worked.
However Butterball here
has slowly gained weight.
Personally I blame it pretty much
on my palazzo pants.
You say entering stage right, scratching your head.
The image I realise of a sixty + in
Bollywood floppy trousers isn't perhaps 
a good look...
however, elasticated waists are the way forward
in my world.
Shifts slashed to the muff and beyond,
when worn with the aforesaid flowing breeks,
are decorous for a daft tart of declining years.
The problem lay, under the output of
one whole Lancashire cotton mill...
Okay call them baggy.
The bod was growing; the elastic like the train
was taking the strain.

The lass in this sad tale i.e. me,
was dutifully fasting two days, and yes 
you've guessed it, filling her boots
on the others.

Ted, a man, was doing what men do.
Routine is a bloke's comfort blanket.
Marmite on one slice of dry toast
Monday to Friday.
Wait for it...
two slices with butter and jam 
at the weekend.

By now sylph-like,
the job for him was a goodun.
Naturally, I hated him with
a passion.

Once a week, in the early light
I creep down,
do as many of the necessaries
as is humanly possible.
Cross to the studio,
strip off and as gently as a mouse,
lightly step onto the scales.
The truth is, I'm slowly

I've decided to call it the
Dorian Grey Diet.

I'm the one in the attic,
Ted meanwhile, is 
youthful and looking 
 good for his advancing years.


  1. I have only short periods of enforced fasting when I'm too lazy to cook and none of the left overs sound good. The sandwich stuff never sounds good but it will prevent starvation - I hope.

    1. You look fit enough to me David, so whatever you're doing to keep body and soul together is obviously working.


    2. Thank you Lettice Leaf. I have a simple but somewhat annoying solution to keeping fit. Build a two story house with one restroom and put it on the second floor. Then drink lots of coffee.

  2. ah, but you know what they say- lose a stone on your hips, gain 10 years on your face. . .

    1. Good point Elaine, that must be why I look like a 16 year old face-wise and an prize winning pumpkin in the ole bod.


  3. I have just read your post out loud to mr T, we have laughed and laughed. you are really a tonic Linda. That is what would happen to me, the very mention of the word diet sends me into a tailspin! Nothing wrong with elasticated waits - comfort rules!

  4. How often do you follow this diet? Not each week I hope!

    1. Yup! Every week for knocking-on for a year. The earth shattering conclusion I've come to is... Dieting don't work. You heard it first here!


  5. When you get the urge to graze, try a pint of tap water instead. More fruit. More walking. Remember how they used to say that every cigarette took four minutes off your life? Well losing a pound of blubber will probably add an extra week. You may need an elasticated headband to show you mean business.

    1. 'But doctor will I live longer?'
      'Nope, it'll just seem like it!

      Boom, boom.


  6. Hi LL, just a quick hello because I notice you have been quiet this week. End of week here so thought I would just check in on you ~ and hope all is OK, Carol x

    1. Hi Carol, I've been busy packing for my trip to Cairns that's why! (fib)


  7. Want a guaranteed way to lose weight? No booze!
    (Mr N says he has to drink for two now.)

    1. You tried it Nilly? You only look like you weigh 8 stone with both legs on the scales.

      Ovaltiney I aint!