Saturday, 20 July 2013

Down and out in...

Royal Tunbridge Wells.

I should have been a bag lady.
Time enough I suppose.

This morning, at sparrow fart
I was up.

Always one to jump on a band wagon
I thought I'll do what others bloggers do...
I'll make a video of the early morning garden.

Off I trot, mug of tea in one hand,
camera in t'other.
Mindful of turning off the
water canon (Scarcrow) I proceeded
up the garden.

As it's early I stop myself from crying
'Camera, ACTION!'
My voice drops to a husky whisper
in order not to wake the slumbering dead.
You always feel so blooming self-righteous
when you're the only person up.
Bit like I suppose, how it must feel 
when you're sober and every one else is ratted.

Nothing is missed, every boring detail is recorded.

Steven Spielberg I slip
smugly back into the slumbering cottage.
I attach my equipment to the laptop and wait for the
film clip to download.
The photo's of Lettice in the grass
are done.
I wait...
I wait...
I wait a bit more,
it's tummy's still rumbling so
it must be working...
mustn't it?

I hit the movie icon,
fiddled with a few things...
what is that?

Have I made a horror movie?

Who exactly is this old tart sitting here in front of the laptop...


The mirror in the bathroom has obviously been lying.

The only way forward as I see it,
 and if push comes to shove, I'd rather not 
is... to 
Celebrate the wrinkles, stuff my belongings
into a bag and take to the open road.
I must confess I've always had yen for
tramps, added to which,
at least I'll look the part.

What happened about the video?
You may well ask!
Haven't got a clue...
sunk without trace!
It's in there somewhere,
Am I bothered?

After the shock of the old crone
in the early morning light, I sort of lost interest
in my artisticals.



  1. I can so relate to this. People have always told me how young I look for my age. Whenever shaving, brushing my teeth or whatever, I would think I don't look so bad...
    Then one day I took a mirror outside. I had a tooth that was bothering me and wanted to see if I could tell what was wrong. I couldn't see anything wrong with the tooth, BUT, oh jeez, I looked 20 years older than I looked inside.

    1. Morning David, perish the thought I would have made a video with me in it. No chance! The image was of yours truly, sat patiently waiting for something to happen. Boy did it make me jump... A picture of Doris Gray.

      I've always cracked on about botox and facelifts and how I never would. After today's horror, I can at least start to understand the reasons why some might. Not for me: grow old gracefully or in my case disgracefully, much more fun.


    2. No hair dye, Botox or face lift for me either unless I have a huge change of heart. It doesn't look natural. My sister is 13 years older than me and she comes home occasionally. At a distance she looks younger than I do. But it's a lot like beverages with artificial sweetener, there's something that is just not quite right.

    3. Artificial anything I'm against David, especially sweetener!


  2. Oh Linda, I do love your posts and boy do they make me laugh out loud, only you (and I) could create a cinematic masterpiece and then not be able to find it!! I am forever taking images of my feet, fingers and sky somehow! David Bailey I am not! I can also relate to your comments about looking in the bathroom mirror. On a good day I think not too bad for an old bird. If you see yourself in a mirror in a shop, I think who the hell is that and then realise it is me! No hope! x

    1. I wouldn't mind Jayne, but I once did a video of me (soft focus naturally, oh and narrow-angled lens), with this camera, alright it was years ago AND I didn't have this posy Apple Mac! I even managed to download it and send it. Can I remember how I did it, can I hell?

      These days if ever there's a camera about I go and hide behind a four hundred year old oak. Why that age? In order for the trunk to hide mine!


  3. I have a super 10 x magnification mirror for plucking warts etc and it's fab because you can only see a small bit of face at one time. A bit Picasso but still..... There is a tramp who sits on a bench near Iceland in TUn Wells; perhaps he has need of an understudy or two :)

    1. Warts? You a witch? We may have met at the Rusthall coven, a week last Tuesday?


  4. I have the same bathroom mirror.... Amazing.
    Think I look half decent then catch a glimpse in a shop window.
    The worst is the vanity mirror, passenger side in the car.... Where did those chin hairs come from?
    Julie x

    1. You go out dressed to thrill, then in a certain light you spy a bristling hemp jobby, happily waving in time with your chin as you chat. And where are the pluckers? At home, of course!