Sunday, 10 February 2013

Ma Larkin-like I rested...

my breasts on the wall,

Pam Ferris as Ma Larkin in
Darling Buds of May
by H.E. Bates

as into my hand Mike the postie
pressed a real letter.
Remember those?
This sported an air mail sticker, a proper stamp
 (the ones you lick) featuring fruit and berries.
Cutting short the genial chit-chat, I scuttled back to my burrow in the Weald.
A letter addressed to me, from the other side of the world.
Crinkly paper, hand-written with real ink.
My excitement knew no bounds.
(Wicked Daughter-in-laws)

mother has recently emigrated. 
 Joy filled every line, happiness oozed.
Dread ever so slowly crept up on me...
Oh crumbs... I've got to reply...
like real writing...
none of this blogging clap-trap.
Aah... I've got a bad thumb so I will have to type my reply
 flitted across my mind.
Added to which, and don't ask me why, my thoughts are conveyed so much
smoothlier via a keyboard?

I put it off; I even put it off until I couldn't put it off a moment longer.
I opened Word and every cotton-picking one of them deserted me.
You've heard of ham actors, this was a ham 
(and none of your knitted, processed, plastic ham either)
wordsmith at her best.  The only thing I didn't do was exit stage left.
I stuttered, I stumbled, woodeny was wot I was. It didn't flow, it sounded trite
and contrived as if this isn't, I ask you?

The crux of the matter is...
There really is no news here...
Cos I'm Billy No Mates.
I live tucked out of the way, where nobody can find me,
I don't go anywhere, don't see anybody.
Confined to barracks due to Lettice, our lovable mutt,
 who is fifteen on St Valentine's day.

Here she is asleep in the garage last summer

And like the advert says
'She's worth it!'

Aaah!  What to say, there's only so much gooey-wooey
things you can say about our shared offspring.
Plus I'm not a sun shines out of their bot sort of mother.
Battle-axe-say it like it is-preferably with socking great knobs on-
100% bomb proof-Oooh Matron! Robin starched phantom of fear- me!

Word has failed me:
Words fail me.

I know, I'll just send her this
on a bit of paper.
In these austere times, seems to me as if I've cracked it;
plus she may even become a follower!
I may even get to 40,
must confess I don't feel it.


  1. Your posts really cheer me up Linda - you have such a sense of humour it makes me laugh every time. jayne x

    1. Chuckles are Go Jayne... in fact when the wind's in the right direction... think I can pick them up on the Gulf Stream... alright I know they probably don't pass your front door anymore than they do mine. You get My Drift ?


  2. I sometimes have these slightly blank moments when confronted with letters & emails from friends & relations - and I too have tried the
    "Do have a look at my blog @" line. Trouble is, THAT sometimes shuts them right up.
    Do they think I'm showing off?
    Glad to read that your strop-levels are now normal, at least with regard to gooey-wooey-ness!

    1. Blimey Nilly, if you don't blow your own trumpet no other bugle boy is.. is they?

      Strop levels are simmering nicely on the back-burner, especially with this 'beef' ragout of a rout.