Saturday, 6 April 2013

The Grand Fashional...

Am I missing something here?
Those of you who have got to know me via
my blog will know I'm not in the least bit horsey!
  I could so easily, had it not been for an early experience
of my stout rump hitting the ground from
 the dizzy heights of a horses back.
Boy am I pleased... 
I took up boys instead; much more managable over the jumps!

I just don't get it, this horse racing thing.
How can you be a horse-lover and be a part of horses
dying just for mans' enjoyment?

I've only been horse racing once. 
I went with a friend who lives, breathes horses.
She also, when out of jodhpurs, looks a million dollars...
very well-bred.
I trailed in her wake, as the ugly sister would Cinders at the ball,
when droves of young bloods massed around us.
The champagne flowed, the neighs got louder,
her fetlocks were felt... all jolly good show don't you know.

My enjoyment of that day was people watching, I don't think I once 
went to the rail to see a race.
I felt happy in my homespun, topped off with a Laura Ashley hat... 
cutting edge I definitely wasn't.

Now we get to the rub...
my beef (oops sorry I must mean horse meat) is
let's turn horse racing on its head and have the horses
paraded around in the paddock, safe from harm.
The great and the good can study form much the same as men do
with the scantily clad women.
Leaving the field clear for the fillies' (tarts)
to compete.
With prize money and a cup they'd be over the jumps in a trice;
fuelled naturally by copious amounts of Champagne.
No worry of doping here, well apart from the odd line of coke
 taken in the ladies before the off.

1.10  The Tarts Titfer Challenge

1.45  The Mounted Muffs Steaks

2.15  Pelmets for Skirts Sprint Cup

2.50  Fecking Fascinators Fillies' Mile

3.25  Fake Tan Sun Chariot Stakes

4.15  Stiletto Handicap

5.10  Totally Unsuitable Shoes Sprint

5.40  The John Smith's 12 pint Handicap Hurdle

If daft tarts fall over and break their necks
wearing ridiculous shoes... that's their choice.
Horses however don't have that choice;
their demise I abhor.

The sport of Kings?


  1. my sentiments exactly Linda, I especially dislike the Grand National - a very cruel race. Apparantely they have made some of the jumps 'safer'! I did laugh out loud at your list of races though, very astute, and very true.! x

    1. At least yesterday, by making the jumps safer no horses had to be put down.


  2. Anything its seems is okay for the human to do if it means making a lot of money. I'm with you all the way.

    1. Briony, It's us human beings that come out of all of this looking ridulous. It makes me so sad, and to think we are supposed to have the superior intellegence... I'm not so sure?


  3. I am in total accord with your views, but I'd like you to think of some races for the braying, posh race-goers, hard-nosed trainers & wily bookies to run as well. I wouldn't mind riding piggy-back & cracking the whip!

    1. Brilliant point Nilly, Hurray Henry Hurdles, Bent Bookies Brook, Hard Nosed Trainers Challenge. Just wish I didn't care and could keep my thoughts to myself! Perhaps I should be entered for the Cross Country Keep your Gob Shut event? I doubt I'd finish the course.