Sunday, 20 July 2014

Size matters...


Picture the scene...
Hampstead Heath...
Saturday afternoon...
Alright, I know it's hard to imagine.
Us on Hampstead Heath,
(Never forget this is a fib-free zone.)
On train and tube we travelled 
and I'd like to say we were due to
headline at the...

 however that would be a STONKING BIG fib!

After a night of thunder and God's greatest
light show on earth...
we decided not to take our boules, due in no small
part to the inclement conditions.
Added to which we didn't want to give the teeniest inkling
that I, not the mention Ted, were under serious consideration for the
the forthcoming selection for the Fifa (grease my hand... not a good ploy in Petanque) newly to be announced Petanque World Cup.
Now if you sense a whopper...
you could possibly be right.

What's this got to do with size?   You must by now, begin to question.

Fat lass playing away.  On Hampstead Heath, no less.

Plucked and primped I boarded the train, 
happy in the knowledge that from any angle,
ne'er a whisker would glisten in the watery sun.
Train up from Kent, I was happy; we took our place opposite a very elegant
lady of oriental face, tiny feet, toned arms and elegance oozing.
I hid my book under the table
'The Lost Daughter of Happiness'
the erotic and exciting tale of forbidden love 
by China's most acclaimed writer...
Geling Yan.

I was happier still when a lady larger than me,
joined us...
weightlifter arms,
strappy top, chins aplenty.
I smiled inscrutably, then returned to my book.
The rustle tore my attention away from the many and various
Chinese ways to please a man.
Focusing on Brit with arms and chins and sticky bun washed down with
lashings of Coke. I got to thinking the meanings of life.
Sad to say it didn't last long...
back to the book.
Self-rightously I stepped out of the train,
floating on a cloud of self-congratulatory
Well that is until we stepped on to the tube,
where pert young bodies
encased in tubi-grip pink elastic, nubile brown young limbs
mocked me.

Hampstead Heath awash with burnished taut tums and lean
bronze legs rising ever muff-wards,
did, I ought to say slightly spoil my day.

It was super to see WSD and James
and I did beat them at
the French have lived to fight another day!


  1. It doesn't matter how well we think we look there's always someone to bring us down to earth. And then as you say five minutes later someone else will make us feel good again. Why we bother I don't know, but I wish I could learn not to. I leave smiling yet again! X

    1. Smile is a good tonic, laughter a better one. Whatever we do we must never take ourselves too seriously.


  2. Just for a moment I forgot who WSD was and thought someone had thoughtfully invented Weapons of Slight Destruction.

    1. Wicked Step Daughter... all started when I introduced myself as the Wicked Step Mother (always a shrinking violet, me!) Belinda said yes, 'You are WICCCKED!' as in good; she'd obviously had too many pints of Old Peculiar at the time... so it sort of stuck!


  3. I always search ( sometimes it has to be VERY hard ) till I find a fault. Thicker ankles, big feet, chewed fingernails - there is always some little thing - then
    I feel better and can go away content !!

    1. As my aunt once said about me 'Linda has such nice eyebrows!' says it all really about how I stood up to her most beautiful daughters.


  4. How come you have opted for the Gallic game of boules and not English crown green bowling? It is in such ways that our Englishness is eroded. In my view it should be a requirement that all foreign immigrants have to learn the rules of bowls, cricket and rugby league before they are allowed in. They should also be able to bake an edible Victoria sponge cake.

    1. Our Englishness is being eroded not by me playing boules, but by us being a member of a toothless club called the EU. Where even now, our fellow members, because of trade agreements, gas supply etc., can't stand with us and make a stand re. the outrageous behavior of a thug called Putin.

      I can however make a mean Victoria sponge, so all is not lost Mr YP.


  5. Was wondering what festival would feature WD40 and James the 'band'. Glad to hear it was a bit more straightforward than that! Jane x

  6. Nothing in my life is straightforward Jane!