Monday, 27 January 2014

Call me a tart…

I don't care!

In days of yore, I used to be anyone's for 
a free carrierbag… 
Not anymore… 
I've gone distinctly upmarket.
The offer of a free bottle of champagne
got my pulse racing.
Call me a champagne socialist tart…
I don't care!

Idly I flirted with the idea as January
slipped by.
The thing that stopped me was the thought of
getting to grips with ordering groceries on-line.
Call me an idle champagne swilling socialist tart…
I don't care!

Events overtook me when due to
me being off the road and Ted having
this awful bug, supplies were needed.

Suddenly the idea grew from a daydream to
an okay let's run with this necessity.

I chose my slot, dithered over the list and 
surprisingly found it harder to spend than when
I diva-like grace Waitrose with my presence.
Call me a champagne quaffing diva…
I don't care!

Because we're hard to find, I put a chatty
note with name and phone number on the order.
Sat back and waited for the freebie…
Oh and the groceries to arrive.

Never one of the most patient people,
ten minutes into our one hour slot my foot was tapping.

One hour and five minutes later, the call came through…
I picked up the phone with the immortal words…
'Are you lost?'

With very precise instructions I talked him in.
As I was just trotting off with ping-pong bats in hand
to do a little light traffic calming.
(think Easi-jetting in to Crudsville airport)
Ted weakly asked where the driver was, to which I replied the Green Cross Inn.
As the words issued out of my rosebud lips a horrible thought entered my mind.
"I've got the pubs muddled up and have sent him the completely wrong way!' 
Racing down the track I saw him pass by.

Hareing up the hill, I stopped as I saw him 
shoe-horning around the chicane.

Out of puff, I decided to wait on the corner by the pond.
'What are you doing here Linda?'
a kindly neighbour enquired.
'Looking for trade, although in this sleepy village
 I'm not going to make much money, lets face it!'
Conveniently forgetting the fact, I'm a little old for this game.

At last down the hill the poor chap came,
to be met with the sight of a mad woman waving her arms around,
like one of those ghastly windmills that are blighting
the landscape. Rubber on tarmac he screeched to a halt.
After much pointing, gesticulating even, he eventually landed.

Ted risen from his sickbed, sorted him out only to
discover we had taken delivery of a neighbour's order!
Back out we go, get our order, then at last we can relax.
Signing the order, Silas Marner-like coins fell from my hand into his.
'You don't have to!' he said
'Oh I do, I do!  
Call it guilt, for me being a daft tart sending you the wrong way!'

Call me an idle champagne-quaffing daft tart…
I don't care!

However a tiny bit of me thinks you might be onto
something, not that I'd ever admit it, mind!


  1. Linda, I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed reading this last night and went to sleep with a big smile on my face. :)))) P.S. I would probably do something similar, so you are in good company. In Australia, we would call you a Wally xx

    1. Thank you Carol, it is good to be back, the fog is finally lifting.


  2. Ha, the things we do for a freebie, eh?! Made me chuckle and I must confess I fancied the bottle of fizz too

    1. Champagne is my tipple, although in view of the times, vintage Cava has been known to pass muster. What next Lady Docker quaffing Asti?


  3. Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy your back!! Welcome back Linda, I have missed your hilarious accounts of life in your neck of the woods. The thought of you on the corner awaiting the van made me laugh out loud. Have you drunk the bubbly yet?

    1. No not yet! Can you believe it? No neither can I!

      With comments like "Looking for trade!" It's hardly surprising in this snooty village that even after ten years, folk still don't know what to make of me.


  4. !!!!!

    Reminds me of that time when in Leeds and an HGV rumbled to a halt to ask directions. Only as he drove off with renewed enthusiasm and I walked away did it occur to me that I'd directed the 60' articulated lorry through a "pedestrian only" route... I ran, I hid, I got away with and I often wonder if the poor lorry driver did too!


    1. What in heavens name were you doing in Leeds? Looking for trade, with point duty as a sideline?


  5. Replies
    1. Aaah... thank you Elaine. It's good to be back.


  6. Ooops - sounds like my sort of blunder.
    Mind you, I know that hill and treacherous bend very well and "Crudsville" it most certainly is not!

    1. I not only look for your sitting by the pond Nilly, I now scour the antique fairs featured on the box, expecting to see you appear as if by magic. I must get out more!


  7. Fantastic, it was like reading a comedy sketch for the character Hyacinth Bucket. x

  8. Oh dear! Accurate... but oh dear!