Sunday, 23 October 2011

Hold TIGHT... the bitch...

is back.

I've been too busy, idle, poorly, bl err, to blog
(highlight the one you think is most likely)

Sitting across a candle-lit table, the light playing upon my glass of red wine, 
the fat congealing on my plate from the rib of beef, I got to thinking...
Why am I such a super-sloth?
Five minute-wonder merchant,
mediocre seamstress,
Twaddle talker?

I'm having a crisis of confidence,
my crafts are cr*p,
I've started looking my age...
at a dinner party a week ago,this second, (not that I'm counting mind!) a man opposite asked if Hubs was my...
FRIGGING toy-boy!

I just knew I shouldn't have lost that two stone, everything sagged, the lines are etched deep and crisp and evil on my phizog.
I've started wearing a magnetic bracelet (my hips are giving up due to a life of standing cooking in a Royal kitchen for 15 hour days)
What ever you do don't feel sorry for me, because I'm on the advanced course...
Plaintive cries of 'Poor me!' reverate around the Weald of Kent.

I'm starting lip-reading classes - don't even go there!

The only bright spot on the horizon is tomorrow I'm off to see a Prof. about the stone in my chops, and I'm going to use all my powers of persuasion to get him to prescribe Krug, in order for the effervescent bubbles to dissolve my salivary gland stone.
He hangs out next to Level 42, Nat West Tower, a well known champagne watering hole.

Alright, some more cynical readers might think,
'Wouldn't the old bat get the same effect from Alka Seltzer?'



  1. Krug would, I think, be classed as alternative therapy so does not need aprescription. Just purchase over the counter and take 3 times a day, preferably with food but not necessarily. Maybe avoid driving or operating heavy machinery.

    I do not recognise the person that you describe in this post. The comment from the man at the dinner party says more about his eyesight than your appearance. If you are enjoying your moment of the "poor me's", then please carry on. If not, "**** **". Did you lip read that?!

    ps missed you!

  2. Thank you Jo, what a super star you are! I've missed you too lassie, we must get another date in the diary SOON. LLX **** Very rude of you if I may so!

  3. Hey L...did you get anywhere with Prof? Will he be able to sort you out?
    As for how you are feeling, I'm with Jo on this one.

  4. No plink plink fizz, just the fizz i reckon!
    I was thinking about you the other day when G was telling me about Masterchef. Did you tell us about the cheat? Or did I miss that?
    Hope the Prof was able to offer some help/advice/Wotsits.
    Lisa xx

  5. Morning Lisa, thanks for the comment. The Prof laughed when I suggested that I might fall into Level 42 (part of our marriage celebrations were there 3 years ago on Friday!) as if you could 42 floors up! Fall out more like! He did say too many bottles would need to be consumed for it to have any effect. I replied I was more than happy to be part of the trial.

    No you didn't miss the Masterchef cheat episode. It's just that my blogging life seems to fire up in the winter, wonder why? Added to which over the years I've given so many talks about my life, being retired I just want to blob-like chill. I will do it just for you, trouble is there's a semi-final chapter to tell. In a nutshell don't hold your breath.

    Hope you are cheery?